Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
