My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
