I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
