"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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