I'm sorry my penis didn't work
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
