someone get that fucking seahorse.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
