mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
