You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
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He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
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The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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