Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
