people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
