i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
