Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
