I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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