i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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