I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
