Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
