I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
