So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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