I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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