i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
