Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Alive.
So much puke
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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