tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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