The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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