I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
