That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the condom got lost in my hair
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
