I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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