I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
