Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
