Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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