I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You ruined the universe
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
