Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
