Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
