I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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