I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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