Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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