I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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