Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
