I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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