He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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