Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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