I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
