I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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