on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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