Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
there's paper in my vomit.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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