Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
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