someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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