Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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