today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
