sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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