DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
