forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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