I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
