He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
