I wish I only lived at night.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
